an incomplete list of my fears (english translation)

(it's night and it's very late. I don't want to go sleep because I'm afraid of tomorrow, and I don't know why... I’m afraid that if I went to sleep now, I would lose all of tonight and wake up having to go work and I don’t want the time to pass so fast as when you sleep.

I’ve been staring at this blank page for a bit of time and all that comes to my mind seems boring to write about.

So it comes to me, ”maybe I can try to do something that would be like a purge for me… I mean, I could write about something bad in me, hoping that the act of writing it could help me make it disappear.

something such as, maybe,

an incomplete list of my fears.

I’m afraid of being too afraid of something. because I know the effect that such fear has and how crippling it is. When I’m too afraid I see the world deformed, as if I always had hallucinations about the meaning of things.

I’m afraid of not being able to use my creativity to live, but just to be able to dream with it.

and nothing more.  

I’m afraid of not learning all that I could learn from my experiences, above all from those I got from travels.

I’m afraid of realizing that, exactly due to the kind of experience I’ve had, I should have become a smarter now.

I’m afraid of never overcoming the “good” level in all I do and, in the long run, of lowering it to mediocrity.

I’m afraid of not being able to seize the opportunities.

I’m afraid I won't carry out the endeavors I enjoy and that I start with enthusiasm, just because they appear to be long and difficult journeys.

I’m afraid, in some moments, of acquiring a sense of emptiness for the things that surround me.

I’m afraid of becoming settled and stop chasing my ideals.

I’m afraid of my absence, of being an absent person to those who are close to me. a person who may say “I’m here” and it doesn’t sound true to others.

I’m afraid of being a slippery and elusive person, who creates a big distance between herself and others, a person who is never there.

I’m afraid of disappointing anyone who expects something from me, to be unable to do enough.

I’m afraid of not be able to stand up for myself when someone tramples up on my rights.

I’m afraid of being in a bad mood, because I fear to create, in this way, a negative energy that extends beyond me and onto other people.

I’m afraid of not being able to impose myself.

I’m afraid of quarreling because I’m not able to manage quarrels. Actually, they make me feel very bad.

(and)I’m afraid of not being able to quarrel for something, because this also makes me feel bad.

I’m afraid of it being true, that I don’t have character.

I’m afraid of being led too much by time and chance.

I’m afraid of choosing the easy ways out without realizing it.

I’m afraid of going crazy, but only sometimes.

I’m afraid of becoming indifferent.

I’m afraid of my misinformation.

I’m afraid of your misinformation.

I’m afraid of saying that I’m sad or that I’m feeling bad to the people who are important for me, ‘cause I fear I'll make them run away from me.

I’m afraid I‘ll never like myself and become a slave to obsession due to it, forever.   

I’m afraid of never doing something really important for someone who isn’t myself.

I’m afraid of not being able to make courageous choices or, furthermore, of never doing something truly courageous.  

I’m afraid of the mornings when I awake and don’t want to get up at all. I know this means I’m unhappy about something, whereas I would like to be enthusiastic all the time.

I’m afraid of not participating enough in my existence.

I’m afraid of my way of speaking. It is so disarticulate that often I can’t really explain the things I want without getting my listener lost in my confusion.   

I’m afraid of not being able to take care of people and, in some way, to make them feel abandoned, bringing them, consequently and maybe, to abandon me.  

I’m afraid of hurting people I love.

I’m afraid of destroying people I love, and also of destroying myself.

("Kind People" thank you for helping me with the translation)